Warning: This post is personal and long. I hope I don’t ramble and at least make some sense!

I’ve always had a plan – go to school for web design, get a job for a year before college to earn money, and after school get a job to gain experience. At Veratta Technologies I decided to try a different path. The cliché, ‘I’m young why should I stick with the same thing, try something new.’ Kevin and I sat down to plan – work at Veratta to keep a steady income, work on photography on the side, convince my work to allow me to work at home, therefore moving further away into my Dads’ basement for lower rent. Do this for a year, then with Kevin’s Mums’ help buy a house, a year after that buy a car, and hopefully somewhere in there my photography business would take off and I can work on it full time. Then I got a phone call at the end of October, and all my plans came crashing down. My income came to a halt, two adults and a cat left stranded. Instead of thinking for myself, my first thought was – how can I support my family now?

I am over experienced in a over worked web industry – the jobs I could get, companies want to hire students for low pay and the jobs that I could try for at the same salary, I was missing a few key elements I had to go back to school for. I’m lacking in equipment knowledge to get a photography intern/assistant job and to over qualified for a minimum wage job. My only route has been SEEDS, a self-employment program that I have had to jump through so many hoops for. To be only guaranteed in a week long ‘Phase 1’ with the government still getting a chance to crush my hopes.

People are excited that the Olympics are here, but how can I be excited for an event our government pays $800.00 on each volunteer uniform. The same government that told me I may not be accepted into the program because I don’t have enough funds. A program designed for people on employment insurance, paid through the government, to help them get back on track.

One of the things Kevin can’t understand about me, is how I deal with stress, he is cool as a cucumber and just rides it. Me – I’m emotional, how I react to situations is handled by feelings not by thought. If I want to be excited by an event, item, etc I need to share my excitement with someone else and have my enthusiasm bloom, while they get excited with me. If someone is feeling down, I get down with them and will do everything I can to make them feel better.

I’m in the worst shape of my life, doubling the pant size I was going into college. The worst mentally, the worst physically.

I’ve had to deal with many family issues; from hiding in my suite past 3:00 cringing at any noise from above incase I would get another lecture, to a ‘Mother-in-Law’ that doesn’t believe my or Kevin’s job is actually a ‘real job’ and having Kevin storm out of her house. To a boyfriend that has had no job for the past two years, has allowed me to pay off his debt to then rake it all up again. To not wanting to phone my mother after a panic attack so I wouldn’t seem weak to the last family member I seem to be on speaking terms with. On top of it all, not having any friends that live in Vancouver, so I can phone and say ‘Hey, I need a break lets go get something to eat and drink.’

It’s wonderful to have people to talk to, to rant to, and to have people think that I’m a lion. But I don’t feel strong, and I don’t have the release ranting should be having. The issues are just piling up. I have female problems, which I have to take birth control to control the pains I have regularly throughout the month. Unfortunately it does nothing for my mentality PMS brings.

I received the straw that broke the ‘lions back.’

I was invited by one of my Dad’s parents (he’s a teacher), to attend a business breakfast. All I knew was someone I never talked to before would be paying for my breakfast, it was sort of a business affair, I would have 60 seconds to introduce myself, my business and why I wanted referrals. I had to bring at least 40 business cards (which I don’t have) and I was going to be introduced to a local photographer. This happened to be on the same week I was working on Lizzie’s blog and getting extremely frustrated developing the most difficult site I have touched yet.

The day before – I’m worried about what to wear; I’ve gained weight so my ‘fancy’ clothes don’t fit so I decide to go out and look for something, instead I get depressed for 30 minutes in the fitting room since nothing fits and just look overall lumpy. I also go to Staples to buy card stock and ink. Fast forward to the evening – I’m designing a quick card on a ‘special program’ that works with Microsoft Word to align the cards to match with the perforated paper. I’m packing quickly, so I can spend the night at my Mums so we could get up at 6:00 to go to the place. The cards were looking hideous and the stock was feeling light. I’m trying to get the cards out of the perforated cuts and he takes it out of my hand and tries to do it himself, ‘because I wasn’t doing it the way the paper said to do.’ “Why do you have to be a control freak?” – The words were out of my mouth before I could hold them back. Then he just walks out.

The one person that has handled all my issues, my self doubts, my complaints throughout the day, just gave up. I broke. I went into a crying stress panic attack for the next 45 minutes and you know what he did? Just held me the entire time. I raved and jabbed him, but yet when I needed him the most, he looked past it all and was there when I needed him, without a thought about lecturing.

I’ve done everything up to this point for someone else, everything I seemed to do was to please someone, ‘What would so and so think or want of me if I did this.’ As I laid there in his arms that’s all that I could think of: what would my mum think if I was late, what would the business owners think if I couldn’t answer questions about my business, what would I say to the photographer, what happens if he thinks I’m stupid for not knowing about exposure or other details about a camera. Kevin must think I’m stupid right now hiccupping and getting puffy eyed with snot running down my nose. I cracked. I broke. I had the last straw. Now I’m lost, confused.

I did come away with something – do things that I want, do things that make me feel special. If I’m not ready to meet the world don’t let anyone force me to do it. Stop stressing about the day to day issues, if Kevin wants to sleep in to 10:00, whats the point of stressing over it, it’s his life. If I think I need to lose weight, then it’s only myself to blame if I take an extra cookie..or two. I’m important and I need to heal and If I don’t take care of myself above all, then I’m just going to break again.

I feel lost and broken, but the cracks will heal. This I’ll defend .. and roar!